It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a team of psychoanalysts) to figure out that my heightened anxiety of late stems from the utter terror I feel when I think about being replaced. It snuck up on me, creeping up behind me quietly as I made big changes. When I was distracted, that guttural fear just clobbered me.
I should have seen it coming when, like a cold bucket of water, I realized a replacement for the job I left was identified before my office was even cold. But…I’m a great employee! I am available to management 24/7! I’ve missed field trips and play dates and precious time with my family!
I should have seen it coming when, like a small splinter in my finger, I felt the dull pain of some of my very favorite people stopped including me (us) in their activities. Really? The ones that were so supportive of my sobriety? I’d already narrowed our circle significantly, but these really stung…but I was able to push it aside for a while.
The Fear of Being Replaced is really a lot of fears (anxieties) wrapped up into a tight package: The Fear of Not Being Good Enough, The Fear of Being Alone, The Fear of Rejection and The Fear of Failure (feel free to add more). It is so painful that I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Unfortunately, it seems to have taken up residence at my place.
Time to focus even harder on the things that really matter. On to day two of really digging into that gratitude list!