I’ve been waiting for this day!
It’s been 365 days since my last drink of alcohol and I couldn’t be more proud! For someone who’s been drinking the better part of 30 years, this really is a huge deal. I planned on celebrating with a decadent massage treatment in a ridiculously overpriced day spa this Friday. Now, there will likely be no celebration.
After 20 plus years of my mother ignoring her mental and physical health, refusing to see any sort of health professional, isolating herself from anyone who cared about her and doing her best to drive a wedge into our relationship, she is in crisis. TODAY. The woman who spends all of her meager income at a casino, but won’t make sure she has proper health coverage. The woman who called my oldest a “little bitch” when she was just 8 years old. The woman who accused me of wanting “all her money” when I encouraged her to apply for Social Security at age 70 (since she has NO OTHER INCOME). She is in crisis TODAY.
I am feeling every negative emotion one can imagine: selfishness, anger, guilt, sadness, remorse, and disappointment. Intermittently, I feel completely disconnected from her, absolutely removed as if she isn’t my mother. As if our lives together never existed. How does this happen? Then, in an instant, that feeling disappears and I’m thrown back into that tornado of emotion. Sometimes, I can see myself in her and I want to run away.
Is this Karmic payback? Am I just getting what deserve from all those years of drunken blackouts? I know there is a message from the Universe in all of this, but I can’t hear it right now. I’ll keep listening.