365 -The Highs and The Very Lows

I’ve been waiting for this day!

It’s been 365 days since my last drink of alcohol and I couldn’t be more proud! For someone who’s been drinking the better part of 30 years, this really is a huge deal. I planned on celebrating with a decadent massage treatment in a ridiculously overpriced day spa this Friday. Now, there will likely be no celebration.

After 20 plus years of my mother ignoring her mental and physical health, refusing to see any sort of health professional, isolating herself from anyone who cared about her and doing her best to drive a wedge into our relationship, she is in crisis. TODAY. The woman who spends all of her meager income at a casino, but won’t make sure she has proper health coverage. The woman who called my oldest a “little bitch” when she was just 8 years old. The woman who accused me of wanting “all her money” when I encouraged her to apply for Social Security at age 70 (since she has NO OTHER INCOME). She is in crisis TODAY.

I am feeling every negative emotion one can imagine: selfishness, anger, guilt, sadness, remorse, and disappointment. Intermittently, I feel completely disconnected from her, absolutely removed as if she isn’t my mother. As if our lives together never existed. How does this happen? Then, in an instant, that feeling disappears and I’m thrown back into that tornado of emotion. Sometimes, I can see myself in her and I want to run away.

Is this Karmic payback? Am I just getting what deserve from all those years of drunken blackouts? I know there is a message from the Universe in all of this, but I can’t hear it right now. I’ll keep listening.

3 thoughts on “365 -The Highs and The Very Lows

Add yours

  1. Congrats on a year!! What an amazing accomplishment. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your mom. I’m sure you feel like it’s robbing you of some of the glory right now – I know that’s how I’d feel. Although, I’m not spiritual/religious – I DO tend to believe things happen when they are suppose to. So maybe the message from the Universe is that… after a year of making yourself a better person, a person who can face life’s hardships without turning to a substance… NOW, you have what it takes to deal with her mess. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know I’m late to post this and we’ve already written – but I’m going to put this here anyway. Congratulations on your one-year! This is huge! Also…this is not karmic payback for your blackouts. I love what crmsmarty says above about being in a better place to deal with her mess. It is HER mess. It is unfortunate that you are in a position where you are needing to deal with much of it, but none of this is about you. Remember that.

    Liked by 1 person

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